Goodnight…

It’s 6:30 pm…Fiona’s switching from carefree happy baby to fussy.  Kara says “I think it’s time to put her in the bubbles.”  She scoops up Fiona and off they go.

Emma requests the red square…that’s Emma speak for YouTube.  She wants to dance, she says “Daddy the shape of you, I want to hear the shape of you”.  I hunt through and find the video and off she goes dancing her heart out.

I sit back and listen.  Fiona laughing in the tub, Kara laughing at Fiona, and Emma singing her favorite song.  I look at the clock…I only have a little bit of time left.

Kara brings Fiona back out dressed for bed.  I take her in my arms hug her and kiss her.  Her smile is contagious.  She is so happy and so sleepy at the same time.  She snuggles her head under by chin and sucks her thumb.

I look at the clock again…even less time left before I have to go.

I look at Fiona and give her a kiss, tell her good night, and that I will see her tomorrow.

Will I?  Will I see her tomorrow?  What if I don’t come home?  Will she remember me?  Will she know who I was?    This is the last moment that I may ever see her.  I drink it in.  I drink in the sweet smell of her skin, her hair, the sound of her sucking her thumb and the way her little head fits under my chin.  I need to come home…I need to make it home…I need to see this little one…I don’t want her to forget me.

Good night sweet baby angel.

Daddy loves you, sweet dreams, good night, have a good night’s sleep.

I will miss you, I will see you tomorrow.

Emma’s turn for bubbles.  There is a barter system with Emma.  We give her 1 more song, 1 more dance.  She asks for two, we will tell her one or nothing…she takes the deal.  Emma is off to bubbles; to play and sing in the tub.  Emma’s done, she gets dressed.

While Emma is in the tub I take the time to get ready, gear together and packed up, uniform most of the way on, no shirt though…I don’t need someone in traffic seeing me and to try and kill me on my way to work…people don’t like us…what is wrong with people…savages.

I sit on the couch waiting.  Emma comes out of her room in her favorite bed time shirt and pants.  She runs up and says “Daddy where are you going?  You going to work?”  I say “Yes beautiful Daddy has to go to work now.”  She sits on my lap, smiles and gives me a kiss.  She says “Okay Daddy have a good night, see you later”.  I love it.  My brave little girl.  I give Emma a big squeeze, a kiss, and tell her I will see her tomorrow morning.

Will I?  Will I see her tomorrow? What if I don’t come home?  Will she remember me?  Will she know who I was?  This is the last moment that I may ever see her.  I drink it in.   Her blonde curls, her little nose, her worn out favorite shirt, the smell of her bubble bath on her skin, her hugging me so tight.  I need to come home…I need to make it home…I need to see this little one…I don’t want her to forget me.

Good night my beautiful little girl.

Daddy loves you, sweet dreams, good night, have a good night’s sleep.

I will miss you, I will see you tomorrow.

I look at Kara and feel so guilty.  I am leaving her again tonight.  Leaving her to a bed alone, the girls to herself, so much to deal with and so much to worry about…including what may or may not happen to me.  I feel so guilty, I hate doing this to her.  I give her a hug, a kiss, tell her I love her and walk out the door. She is so strong and brave.  That’s where the girls must get it.

I walk out the door, look back at the house.  I love this little house, I love the people inside, I love the life we are building.  I need to make it home in the morning no matter what,I don’t want this to be the last time I do this…I love this thing called life.

I get in my car, turn it on, take a moment, and put the car in gear.  I pull out to the driveway, make a right and look at the house…Goodnight girls, I love you, I will see you in the morning.

There is no other option then coming home.  It’s the most important thing I do tonight…get home safely.  The girls will know who I am…even if its for one more day.

Just another night, just another shift.  Just another family, just another sacrifice.

 

 

 

 

 

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Deep Breath…

Life has changed significantly since my last post.  New baby, new work, new house, new dog…it continues.  There are so many things to say about what has been going on but I have vowed to keep things simpler and just write a little at a time each day.

Today accelerated with the force of  raging river.  From the moment I woke up I had no control and no time to think.  It was up and moving.  Emma had to be a school, help Kara, my mom needed to be picked up and brought to the house, Fiona cared for, and the dogs fed.  Kara and I needed to get this all done in less than an hour so that she could leave and get Emma to school and I could get out of the door to take advantage of my last day off before I go back on duty.

Oh yeah…eat…that’s an important item…food.  Eggs and toast, make it a sandwich, screw it, its not paleo/whole 30/whatever…its food, calories, quick and I can eat it in the car…done.  So many crumbs…all over the place..no worries they will brush off.

Deep breath…

Radio on, news radio, world events, national events, local news what the F! is going on, really what the F! is going on…people are such savages…

Deep breath…

Traffic was light today and weather is nice…it may shape up to be a good day…at least I have off and I am on my way to the gym!

Deep breath…

Pull up to the gym, doors are open, no one’s there yet except the owner.  Goal:  get started as soon as possible so that people leave me alone…leave me alone so I can workout…my life depend on it…for real no faking.  I don’t know about your job but my life depends on my fitness and health.  When’s the last time you found yourself at work chasing an unknown assailant on a dimly lit back alley and then into a park with no lights?  What would have happened if I got to the guy?  Would I have the endurance to fight him after the the chase?  Would I be stronger than him?  Would he have a weapon?  Would he try and kill me…I need my fitness.

I get my lifters on…oh yeah I forgot to tell you…I haven’t lifted weights for real in like 9 months, haven’t done CF in just as long…this is my comeback song…

I get my lifters on, tape my thumbs, put on my wrist wraps, grab a bar and go…

Deep breath…

My time…

Here was the work…take it easy on me…its been a while…

Overhead Squats:  all reps done quickly 5 reps @ 135, 5 reps @ 155, 5 reps @ 175 lbs…

Got them done!  Its been a while and it was noticeable.  I love them so…like a long lost friend…reunited and it feels so good!!!

Deep breath…

What’s next?

2 sets of 20 steps weighted walking lunges…26 lb KB in each hand…yeah I know its light weight but remember I am getting “back on the horse” and this time its for me and my job!  Stay healthy, stay strong, fight to survive!

Deep breath…

Those weren’t so fun…legs feel funny…deep breath

Interruption…for a good purpose…a friend needs help with her Oly lifting.  She made the masters regionals and the hole in her armor is a particular lift.  An hour or so later we have made some serious headway and made some serious corrections.  A regimen for supplemental work was given out…break!

Deep breath…

I am already a little sore from my work…back to work…bad guys rest for no one, haha!

Next! AMRAP’s how I love thee

5 Minute AMRAP of 20 double unders and air squats…why put the rope down when you squat…it just wastes time

Rest 1 min

5 Minute AMRAP of 5 Renegade Rows and 10 box jumps, step down.

Rest 1 min

5 Minute AMRAP of 5 Toes to Bar and 10 push-ups…this was zen like, I was in a state of cyclical processing…”touch your toes, touch your chest” for 5 minutes.  The world was gone, just me and movement.  Using my body for what it was created to do…blissful existence of sweat, muscular force, and heavy breathing…glory

Workout done…a friend shows up…I am going to miss him.  Another 30-45 minutes spent discussing life with my friend…I am going to miss him.  Another chance to talk about being dad’s in this hectic world and talking about training…I am going to miss him.  Another chance to be taken away from the rest of my existence..a great moment..I don’t get these much anymore.

Lunch…yeah that sounds good…how about food..yeah that’s important.  Kara do you want lunch?  I will come pick you up.  Let’s get food, not unhealthy, not expensive…let’s go to the build your own salad place.  Deliciousness, chicken, rice, so many veggies…did i mention pickled beets..oh so good…oh yeah and chicken broth.

What do you want to do now Kara?  Let’s get stuff for Easter…off we go.  I watched her work her magic, pinching pennies, finding deals, man I love her…she is everything I need in this life.  She asks me to pick out a cake.  For what?  The lamb mold!  oh yeah.  Have you ever seen a lamb mold..I hadn’t for like the first 26 years of my life.  It’s a cast iron mold in the shape of a lamb that you bake a cake in..then decorate it in white frosting and green (coconut) grass…then you chop it up and eat it!  Yeah sacrificial lamb and what not.

I drop her back off at work..I am going to miss her until she gets home..I hate to see her go but love to watch her walk away…she is so beautiful to me.  I hope I go first because I can’t imagine a day without her.

I get home and am greeted by my dogs, lazily sleeping in the sun on the deck…like 2 dinosaurs waking from millions of years of hibernation they produce a groggy bark and a yawn…then back to sleep.  Then I see my baby girl Fiona…covered in food…she’s such a monster.  I had to look and find a place to give her a kiss that was free of food…quite a challenge.

A blessing…my day, a day like every other…alive, living, breathing, loving, happiness, thankful.

Deep breath…

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